Day 27

It feels like the last week of high school at work, except that the excitement of embarking upon new adventures has been replaced with the fear of financial failure. No actual work is really getting done for the most part. Some people are sending each other “keep in touch” messages while others are thinking about how they’ll never see any of us again and how they could care less.

Modest Mouse’s “Third Planet” keeps playing in my head…“everything that keeps me together is falling apart/ I got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over”.

That’s how sales feels sometimes. Like the art of f-ing people over. I know if I stayed in sales forever I would eventually lose it. I’d have a nervous breakdown or combust spontaneously or develop mental divergence like TJ Washington from Seven Monkeys. “Are you also divergent, friend?”

The President gave the State of the Union address tonight. And as I listened I felt solidly jaded; I remember how I started to feel that way as a teenager and I told myself not to let it happen, not to let it take over, to make sure I wasn’t like that as an adult.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I applied for the only muralist job I’ve ever seen posted and haven’t heard back. I still don’t know if I’ll get the bonus they’ve carrot-dangled at us since we got the pink slip news two months ago. I don’t know what will happen when I run out of extensions on my student loan forbearances.

But I guess the scary part is that I do know what I’ll do- I’ll get another job like I always do. And if nothing else, I’ll suppose I’ll also be making art.

Today’s piece is a watercolor/drawing of a photo I took in Berkeley. I love Berkeley’s oddness and industrialism- it always inspires me. I loved going to Berkeley a long time ago, when what I saw on the horizon was smog and not doom. When I loved punk music and read the thousand fliers wallpapered to the telephone poles with excitement and felt like I’d find a way to carve out my spot in the world instead of the world carving me out instead. Maybe I’ll find that bright spot again one of these days.

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7 thoughts on “Day 27

  1. ((((hugs)))) Despite your feeling down/jaded/etc, I just want you to know that I *LOVE* this piece. Your crazy wicked talent makes me want to quit sometimes. 🙂

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  2. Ah the money woes. Ill tell you though, in the end youll remember what you did with your life (ie, the art) and not about how many dollars you did or did not have in your pocket.

    Im trying to keep this in mind myself….

    Beautiful piece though! Im glad that youre keeping up with your challenge.

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  3. jen says:

    Oh how I adore water color. I love doing it but I think I need to sign up for a class. (if I can ever find one in the evenings and not from 8-12 m-thur) My hardest part is walking away, once I sit down, I just can’t walk away and let it dry. I have to keep going and then end of 83#*5ng it up. I really like how the scene is so clear with just a few lines, but the image is blurred where it should be. Great piece Marianne, you are selling all of these on Etsy, no?

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  4. Thanks for your encouragement, everyone!
    You’re awesome, Malea.
    Tiffaney, I appreciate the perspective. I know it won’t matter down the road, but it sure is hard to avoid thinking about now!
    Reina, YOU rock.
    Jen, I know, I am trying to re-train myself in watercolor because I also have a hard time putting them down and letting them dry properly before working them more. Not selling anything yet. Was planning to keep all of it in a giant pile in case some gallery somewhere wants to show all of them when I’m done. Could be crazy talk, but that’s the plan for now. 🙂

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  5. Auntie Kasey says:

    This is my favorite piece to date. It is simple but not. Life without money sucks ass but is interesting. My whole life I have lived one paycheck from homelessness. Keeps me on my toes for sure. Also reminds me that all my teachers lied about a four year degree being the ticket to security. Every time you post about work I see you as a character in “The Office.”

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  6. bluebicicletta says:

    I also feel in somewhat the same boat, although, I have to admit that I chose it–I didn’t get laid off. It is so hard to live in uncertainty, but I’m trying to learn to embrace it. One day, I was trying to brainstorm possible benefits to not having any money—the main thing I came up with is that it certainly forces you to be as creative as possible about everything and appreciate the little things. That’s all I’ve got, but it seems like something.

    You are so amazingly brave in all of the different art media you use–it’s so amazing to me how versatile you are! You rock!

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